Mastering Negotiation: Balancing Empathy and Assertiveness Across Different Styles

Negotiation is an art, a delicate balance between understanding others and advocating for oneself.

Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, illustrates this beautifully with a story from his career. During a tense negotiation with a hostage-taker, Voss applied principles of empathy learned from Robert H. Mnookin’s research. By actively listening and demonstrating an understanding of the hostage-taker’s emotions, Voss was able to build rapport and ultimately lead to a peaceful resolution. This experience highlights the importance of balancing empathy with assertiveness in negotiations.

As the ancient Chinese proverb goes, “The wise adapt themselves to circumstances, as water molds itself to the pitcher.”

Let’s explore the fascinating world of negotiation styles and discover how you can master the dance of empathy and assertiveness, drawing insights from the research of Mnookin and peers.

Understanding Negotiation Styles

Mnookin’s research unearthed three consistent styles that people naturally fit into–categories seen all over the world, in different cultures and industries.

Competing: The Warrior’s Path

The competing style in negotiation is akin to a warrior’s approach—high on assertiveness and low on empathy. Competitors are eager and often impatient, seeking to dominate the agenda and frame issues to their advantage.

• Advantages: Competitors are unafraid to articulate their views and push for their interests, often securing favorable outcomes in distributive bargaining.
• Disadvantages: This style can provoke escalation or stalemate and damage relationships due to poor listening skills. Competitors may be perceived as arrogant or controlling, leading to resentment from others.

Accommodating: The Peacemaker’s Approach

Accommodators prioritize relationships and harmony, often at the expense of their own interests. They listen well and aim to resolve differences quickly.

• Advantages: Accommodators typically maintain good relationships and are seen as trustworthy, creating a less stressful negotiation atmosphere.
• Disadvantages: They risk exploitation by hard bargainers and may neglect the substantive aspects of negotiation, leading to frustration.

Avoiding: The Silent Observer

Avoiders view conflict as unproductive and disengage from disagreements, appearing detached and uninterested.

• Advantages: Avoiders can sometimes successfully bypass disputes and maintain a cool-headed presence, making their contributions impactful when they do engage.
• Disadvantages: They miss opportunities for joint gains and often leave value on the table due to their reluctance to assert interests or explore solutions.

Balancing Empathy and Assertiveness

The key to effective negotiation lies in balancing empathy and assertiveness. According to Mnookin and his colleagues, these are not opposing forces but independent dimensions that can be developed simultaneously:

• Empathy: Involves understanding the other party’s perspective without necessarily agreeing. It helps uncover hidden interests and improves interpersonal dynamics.
• Assertiveness: Entails expressing and advocating for one’s own needs. It is crucial for both creating and claiming value in negotiations.

Advice for Negotiators

1. Develop Both Skills: Aim to strengthen both empathy and assertiveness. This dual approach allows you to understand others while effectively advocating for your interests.
2. Practice Perspective-Taking: Try to see the negotiation from the other party’s viewpoint. This can reveal hidden interests and facilitate value creation.
3. Articulate Your Needs: Be clear and assertive about your interests. This not only helps in achieving favorable outcomes but also maintains self-respect and confidence.
4. Adapt Your Style: Recognize your default negotiation style and adjust it based on the context and the other party’s behavior to optimize outcomes.

By understanding and balancing these negotiation styles, you can enhance your effectiveness and achieve more successful negotiation outcomes. Embrace the dance of negotiation, and you might just find yourself leading the way to success. This blog post translates the scientific insights from Mnookin’s research into practical, actionable advice for anyone looking to improve their negotiation skills.

Need Help with Your Negotiation?

If you’re preparing for a crucial negotiation, such as a job offer, and want to ensure you strike the right balance between empathy and assertiveness, consider reaching out for coaching services. With personalized guidance, you can develop the skills necessary to navigate negotiations effectively and achieve the best possible outcomes. Don’t hesitate to take the next step in your negotiation journey!